TOXIC PEOPLE AND EMOTIONAL DISTANCE

Tempo di lettura: 9 minuti

Toxic people come into our lives with all their traumas, insecurities, beliefs, and leave us in a state of depression, anxiety, stress, lack of self-esteem, to the point where we doubt our own mental health.
By the time we realise it, if we realise it at all, we are already pretty battered.

Friends, family members, colleagues: we can meet toxic people in any context, have had relationships with them for a lifetime or have only known them recently.

A few days ago, the page of my Labodif 2023 Agenda was open on these words:
‘Glimpse, smell’: I found myself thinking about Fede, who has a very special gift for smelling toxic people. She finds them in a micro-second, with an innate ability to glimpse what often appears imperceptible at first glance.
For years she has been announcing the storm before it arrives, doing so lightly, without alarmism. She knows that I will find myself in that storm and come out of it broken, and she won’t be there to tell me ‘I warned you’, because she also knows that I can’t help trying: sometimes for a good cause, sometimes out of love, sometimes because I just can’t believe that people can get that far. Or rather, I couldn’t. Or more: sometimes I can’t believe it, sometimes I believe it very well, considering the experiences I have accumulated in life!

In my self-care journey that started with the need to slow down, Fede had a decisive impact, I must admit. I learnt to glimpse, to smell, to trust my sensations, to talk about them. It was only by observation that I realised the damage that being close to toxic people can cause. And observation is an activity that requires slowness, deep breaths, a few moments of detachment. Together with Fede, there is my silent, four-legged master. Who through his gestures, his reactions, alerts me of dangers and toxic people. He does not let himself be approached by them, he does not want them in the house, he does not allow himself to be corrupted.

Glimpse and smell, then stop and reflect, to try and explore new avenues.

Maybe now, sometimes, I can glimpse toxic people, smell them from afar; maybe now, sometimes, I can stop for a moment before letting them take over my time, feed off my energy, dump their frustrations on me; maybe now, sometimes, I can escape; maybe now, sometimes, I can breathe.
But something is still missing: the ability to get through them while remaining undamaged in the long run. The immunity is missing, because inside, deep down, something remains. Above all, the fear of becoming like them.

We often focus on the toxic people we meet, little on the fact that we might have those characteristics without realising it. And how can we recognise whether we are victims or perpetrators? People who engage in toxic behaviour hide their insecurities, their traumas, their vulnerability, through attitudes that seriously undermine the balance of others. And this, if we do not give ourselves the chance to stop and look inside, produces knock-on effects that only increase the level of toxicity in relationships.

Indeed, we live in a highly toxic society, in which the ancient art of prevarication is applied, perfectly resumed by the expression ‘mors tua, vita mea’ (kill or be killed): if, in order to survive, excel, manage our anger, muffle our failures, mask our frustrations, we believe we can sacrifice the lives of others, that’s okay: “they will deal with it”, quoting one of the greatest and most articulate manipulators I have ever met in life, who manages to embody all the traits of toxicity identified and even those for which no definition has yet been found.
I sometimes use her name to describe a series of highly toxic behaviours: she is like the atomic bomb of toxic behaviour that detonated and caused death and pain, as well as levels of toxicity that took root on anyone who failed to escape. It represents one of those cases where my dog warned me: ‘but he never wants to come to me, not even if I give him a biscuit…’ she once said. My dog was really disappointed, he stared at me as if to say ‘don’t let me near her, I don’t want her here’. I didn’t pay him any mind, if I did I would have lived better.

Running away from toxic people, we must always check that we are not left inside that vicious circle of toxicity: to do this, we must take care of ourselves, reflect on our behaviour, and our relationships. It is the only way to build a good immunity system against toxic people and against the risk of harming someone else. Sometimes we have to spend a lot of time healing wounds, questioning ourselves when someone points out toxic behaviour, looking around, asking for help to deal with anything that affects the way we are in relationships.

Becoming aware of our emotions, welcoming our vulnerability, listening to our fatigue: these are small steps that will help us understand what or who is placing our peace of mind at risk.

These are the first steps that need to be taken with great humility and without haste. What matters is the end result, which is the change from one of the worst justifications that fuel toxic behaviour ‘I am/is this way…I can’t/you can’t change me’. This is the expression of giving up on life, of inadequacy to existence. But we are made to move forward, to explore, not to stand still and watch.
If we find ourselves pronouncing this sentence when faced with the damaging consequences of toxic behaviour, it is time to run for serious help. We have to go and put our feelings drawer back in order, hoping we have not lost empathy.

I would like to promote a communication and awareness campaign on the issue of toxic behaviour
“slowing down and stopping when tired and confused saves your life, saves millions of lives”.

Toxic people are often in families, in the workplace, in a network of people from whom we cannot or do not want to distance ourselves for many reasons. In some cases, it is not necessary to drop everything to get away from toxic people, but being aware of their presence is crucial. Sometimes the levels of toxicity become so intolerable that we literally have to leave a place, a job, a relationship, to save our lives. And we must do it, without compromise.

Toxic people use violence because they silence, limit, marginalise, abuse, prevaricate, judge, exploit, through more or less lucid mechanisms of manipulation that can culminate in tragic consequences.

Assertiveness is the key word: let us clearly express emotions and thoughts. Let us emphasise the distance we have chosen between us and the toxic people, so that they do not feel they can cross that boundary we have set, so that it is clear that we have recognised them. Assertiveness is solution and prevention: it defends us from toxic people, it prevents us from becoming toxic people ourselves, because we choose not to repress who we are or what we experience.
We must learn to decipher the signs of toxic behaviour, starting from ourselves.
A practical example: if someone is telling us about a painful experience, or a trauma, or any other personal experience, reply with ‘eh, are you complaining? Think a bit about me that….’ sends the message that our experience is certainly more important, worthy of attention. How many times have you had to talk about a problem – whether work or health, a bereavement or a life choice – and been answered in this way?
Assuming this disqualifying attitude whenever we are in a conversation causes other people to mute their feelings, even though in fact it is clearly an expression of our need to be at the centre, so we look for every opportunity to do it. On these occasions, it happens that we set ourselves up as experts on other people’s lives based on our own experience: this is what often happens when we talk about violence, motherhood, illness.
It also happens that we can find ourselves day and night listening to the frustrations, pains, and experiences of others and feel so involved that we expend all our energy to support someone we care about, only to find ourselves in complete solitude when it is we who need closeness. I can say with some confidence that so-called ‘energy vampires’ do not realise what they are doing and, indeed, find it really strange that at some point we put a distance between us and them. They lack empathy. Simply. They see nothing outside their own needs and are surprised if we point this out to them.

Our inability to take care of ourselves gives rise to toxic behaviours that affect other people, who themselves may engage in toxic behaviours.

Toxic people ignore our feelings, our experience, sometimes explaining to us what we should or should not feel, when we have the right to feel bad and when we have the duty to make choices according to their point of view; they talk to us about their problems without ever seeing ours; they voraciously drain all our energy for their needs and then disappear in front of ours; they vent their anger at everything with us, without asking if we are willing to listen; they use our vulnerability to hinder all our progress; they use our loyalty to achieve their goals and then throw us away like rubbish; they bully us in public and then apologise only in private; they are bullies who do not know how to deal with life any other way. It is a shame, but we cannot risk paying for it with our lives, we must save ourselves. And remind ourselves that life has a different taste if sensitive people are together, because it is the only chance we have to recognise and acknowledge ourselves, for better or for worse.

A large magical circle, made up of sensitive people, acts as a protective shield against toxic people and against the risk of becoming one. But let it be a true circle, that can support and welcome, that does not know marginalisation and exile, that does not exclude from dialogue, that has an evolutive and not conservative purpose. It is hard, I know, I have constant proof of this. Despite everything, I still believe in it, maybe one day one will pop up! It depends on each of us: on our choices, on our ability to listen to ourselves, to observe the consequences of our behaviour, of our words, on the people with whom we are in relationship. A single action can make all the difference. Taking care of ourselves makes a difference. If we do this, we do not need to dump our needs, our shortcomings, our thirst for recognition on others.

We are used to categorize toxic people, I have tried it too. But actually there are no such clear-cut distinguishing traits that we can exactly profile a toxic person. Many behaviours are mixed, some people have only a few characteristics, others are a concentrate of all those we can find.
It has taken me a while to write about toxic people, because every day I face my own scars, every day I realise how badly some of them have affected my life and, not satisfied, continue to do it without any worries. It is not easy to write about toxic people with very specific faces, names and behaviours in mind. It is difficult to remain generic, but starting with me is the first form of caring.

As in any self-respecting journey without rules , this too has led me to new discoveries: I can protect myself, if I want, from toxic people; I can interact with them with awareness; I don’t have to expect apologies from toxic people, because they lie, they twist history, until they believe their own lies. Letting go and having better things to do, filtering out toxic people, not trying to fix them, are the ultimate goals of this journey. It’s sad to deal with people who find satisfaction in harming others, but even sadder to give them the power to do so.
If you have read this far, please take a few minutes to ask yourself if any of your behaviors could be considered toxic, if you are dealing with toxic people, whether they are harming you or someone else, and if you know someone who can help overcome the damage caused by toxic people. After this little test, start acting accordingly: be biased against toxic behavior.
But first, breathe deeply, to be able to walk with the right slowness.